She restores me
by K-Shandra
Summary: A thousand conflicting thoughts enters his mind on hearing her name, and predominantly one emotion that fills him – regret. Regret for the decisions they had made, closely followed by fear, fear that she regretted their time together. Fear that she had moved on, and above all the fear that she was indifferent to him now. My humblest apologies for posting the wrong story's chapter 2
1. Chapter 1

**Title** : She restores me  
 **Genre** : CSI – Romance /Angst.  
 **Pairing** : Sara and Grissom  
 **Rating** : Eventual M  
 **Timeline** : reflective to end of series  
 **Spoilers** : Many… and once again used without discretion.  
 **Summary** : A thousand conflicting thoughts enters his mind on hearing her name, and predominantly one emotion that fills him – regret. Regret for the decisions they had made, closely followed by fear, fear that she regretted their time together. Fear that she had moved on, and above all the fear that she was indifferent to him now.  
 **Disclaimer** : Not mine, but fun to play with, sigh.  
 **A/N** : I have been away from this fandom for a long time…. So any ooc moments – please forgive. This mutated into something else whilst written.  
 **Started** : October 2015  
 **Language** : International English.  
 **Word Count** : 2,100 

*·.·´¯`·.·* *·.·´¯`·. CSI GSR.·´¯`·.·* *·.·´¯`·.·*

Sara, her name alone could conjure up a multitude of memories and a thousand conflicting thoughts. One would think that after sixteen years and everything that has happened that his pulse would not virtually double in response to the thought of seeing her again. That he could be rendered nervous, exited and petrified at the same time. However that was how it felt and he was not even in Vegas.

Two years had passed since their divorce. Two very silent, lonely years and he still had difficulty in understanding how things had gotten to that stage, why he had made the decision he had. Well he knew the reason, knew what had brought it about, but he had not thought that she would simply allow it. He had hoped that she would fight for them, as she always had.

But then he always seemed to be in the dark when it came to Sara. The thing with her was that she could throw a barrier up, faster that fast, whenever she felt threatened, and in many ways he could understand the reason for it, although he had no idea how to access her then, he had always waited for her to come back to him, only last time she hadn't.

Even with the time that had passed, their scattered meetings, the infrequent moments, they had made it work.

They had grow apart after her return, not that his feelings had changed but it had in the end felt as if their relationship was the one thing holding them back, keeping them in suspension, always waiting for the other to call, well that and – no, he had no desire to go there. Their interactions, meetings had grown more and more irregular, until it became difficult to call, difficult to consider them a unit…

The memory of her passion, how it had buoyed him with its intensity, always pushing him a little farther every time. The possibly that their relationship could be waning, because he was not there, she wasn't there, and that their interests had become incompatible is what made the decision for him in the end, that and… he shook his head not wanting to be reminded.

In the most fundamental of ways, he felt e had been failing her, that she deserved to be happy. Making the decision had not been hard, they had not seen each other in months, spoken rarely, and he had just felt so lonely, so alone in the world. It had been that which had brought on the decision… and, years later, the numbing ache still remained lodged in his chest; there in the region his heart should be.

At times, it was crippling, at best it receded to a dull numbing sensation, when he was too busy to think about it. As a scientist he understood the function of the heart, but science still had to effectively explain the ache he felt there whenever he thought of what they had had, and what they had given up.

He understands why he had done it, felt the need to set her free, to let her have the opportunity to find herself someone closer to her own age. But he had no idea why she had, and he had often wondered if she had simply moved on, since their lives had grown too much apart.

While part of him had hoped that she would fight for them as she used to, that she would not give up on them, that she would understand what he had meant, but instead she had not contested the divorce, had signed the papers, had set him free – yet he had no desire to be free. And although there never was a moment's doubt in his mind that she really loved him, he knew she could also have grown detached from him – distance and time slowly chipping away at their relationship. The fact that he knew that she needed more, he needed more from their marriage, was what eventually made the decision. One he still regretted, but had learnt to live with.

Yet, as he made his way back to Vegas, it was the results of that decision he feared most, the fact that he would come face to face with the reality thereof. The chance that she had moved on, while his life – personal life – remained in stasis. He too was a lonely whale, singing, calling for his love – hoping she would hear him and again share her life with him.

He had considered the repercussions of joining them, knew that Heather had always been a sore spot in their relationship, knew it could open scars that had not healed properly, even given all the time. He knew the possible repercussions, but at the same time he wanted to see her, longed to see her, talk to her. Which was why it had not taken a great amount of convincing to accept the invitation to Vegas, to the lad, where he would have a reason to see her. It had been enough to open the door, create an opportunity where he could see her again, talk to her, where he could see for himself whether she was indifferent to him, if she had in fact moved on, and that it would then be time for him to seek closure. Also that they could be close again, without his desires being obvious… that didn't make sense… but then nothing with Sara had ever been easy. His desires and his need to fight them or act on them had always confused him. The only time things actually made any sense was when he just allowed things to happen.

He had even tried to convince himself – several times – that it would bring closure between them. Yet, a part of him, that part that could never gave up on her, on them, hoped that she still harboured some feelings for him. That they could rebuild the friendship they had shared, even if it was only that. He missed her, missed talking to her, missed sharing things with her, missed her presence her scent, they way her smile could light up her face, a room, his heart, his life.

He missed they way she would press up against him, at the most intimate of moments, the way her body would call to his, draw him in as she surrendered herself to his loving. The pleasure of losing himself inside her…. But those were also the memories that hurt most, along with the reality that someone else could be sharing that, experiencing that…. He did not even want to contemplate the possibilities.

He knew that there was a lot left unresolved that a lot needed to be said between them, yet he had no idea even where to start, or how to start; he could picture her standing there as he told her… what? That he missed her, that he still wanted her. That would be the truth, but whether it was the truth she would want to hear was a different mater.

Even so, he'd worked out a speech, had everything sorted, in order, knew exactly what he was going to say to her, what he wanted to say to her if they had a moment alone. A speech he had practiced a hundred, no, a thousand times already. It had even twirled round and around in his head as he drew closer to Vegas.

He knew they would run into one another, knew that she had been forewarned of his arrival, well Eklie had gotten his number from her so he expected her to know. So, at the very least, they would be civil.

Their relationship had never been the most stable, but then what is stable? What is normal? Everyone has a perception of normal, what they think it should be, but he no longer knew. Yet normal, right, home always seemed to be with her, even before they had become a unit, she had grounded him, shown him that there were still people out there who cared, that he should not give up on humanity entirely, no matter which side of it he saw.

Las Vegas, the city in itself remained both a blessing and a curse. It had been there where their relationship had blossomed. San Francisco will always remain the place where it started, but Las Vegas was where they had finally connected. It was there that he discovered an intimacy, a serenity, and a sense of peace that could make even the most gruesome crime scene fade into the background. It was also the place where their relationship had ended, begun, ended again.

They were like two magnets: at times, unavoidably drawn together but also capable of forcefully repelling each other.

He knew that when she had left that time she was not leaving him, she was leaving the city, the things that had happened there, yet it felt as if she was leaving him. That she could not trust him to help her, that she always needed to be strong, to be the one in control. It made him feel… inadequate. It had hurt, just as much the events that followed. Warrick, more than once he had brought her to him, and like magnets they were inexplicably drawn together, their connection allowing for moments of stability, familiarity, even moments of bliss. Yes, those were the words he associated with her, along with passionate, strong, desirable, dependable.

Entering the lab had seemed peculiar, familiar yet strange. It was almost like stepping back into the past; although no one came forward to greet him. There were several new faces, a great deal of new equipment and yet everyone seemed to walk past him… well everyone except the bubbly dark haired girl, whom he could not place. And then when he turned around there she was. The one person in Vegas he had wanted to see most but at the same time avoided whenever he was there, because he had no right to make any demands on her any more. And he still could not believe that he was actually there. Her name passed his lips for the first time in months, almost awe struck but at the same time hesitant. Her own greeting the same, but it was acknowledgement enough, if she was willing to call him on his name, not their one upon a time shared surname, she would be willing to act civilly.

He said the first thing that came to mind, and at the same time wanted to kick himself, because he was not back, not back the way he wanted to be, not with her but he was there, or maybe in a dream, he never knew anymore.

And just as she had done so many occasions before, she left him speechless. Leaving him grappling with words when all he really wanted to do was simply look at her, gaze upon her, burn her image to his mind. He had millions of images of her committed to memory. And in each she was strikingly beautiful, passionate and so full of life. Something that had not changed. It confused him, threw him back so many years when she had been the obtainable, within his reach, just not his. Their time together seemed even more painful, more haunting, a harder twist of the knife, because back then he had been able to simply embrace her, to draw in her warmth, her presence and support. Whereas he would have to appease himself with simply looking at her and longing for those things, longing for the freedom he had once had to claim her, to make it know tat she was taken, she was his. But no longer, it was like being in the cold and dark. No touch no connection, it was then that he realized the results of his decision, that he had in fact lost his best friend.

She called a silent truce, although he had wanted to speak to her, wanted to tell her what was on his mind and in his heart. Yet found that he couldn't. he would say things thins he really meant, in a unconventional way, had done so for years. Because of all the people in the world, she was the one whose rejection could sting the most, whose opinion mattered the most. Who still had his hear, and he did not really want it back. He wanted her to keep it nurture it, but it did not seem as if she would, which made off to a difficult start.

*·.·´¯`·.·* *·.·´¯`·. CSI GSR.·´¯`·.·* *·.·´¯`·.·*


	2. Chapter 2

**Title** : She Restores Me – Chapter Two  
 **Disclaimer** : Not mine, but fun to play with, sigh.  
 **Written** : December 2015  
 **Language** : International English.  
 **Word Count** : 2,459

*·.·´¯`·.·* *·.·´¯`·. CSI GSR.·´¯`·.·* *·.·´¯`·.·*

After their initial meeting it was easy to step into his role, although the lack of responsibility for everyone on the team, for the lab, for the cost of the investigation, in itself was welcoming, allowing him to simply apply his mind to the matter at hand. Although he quickly became engrossed with the case, well beyond what they had requested of him, but then it was not difficult, it allowed him to see her, work with her again, something that has always been easy to do.

There were some awkward moments with Greg, and D.B. must have understood his desires, because he and Sara were paired up so to speak. Yet he knew many would be keeping a close eye on him, on her, and how they interacted. And he had no doubt whose side they would take, if things turned personal.

But from the first moment of their exchange he had realized that she had her mask in place, and that there would be very little that would seep through it. It was one of the things, which had made keeping their relationship a secret from the others so easy. She could control her emotions… well as long as it did not involve abuse, because then her anger would get the best of her. But he had also learnt that her anger was a response to the helplessness she had felt as a child, a helplessness she felt at her ability to prevent it… her compassion for victims is what got to him the most… possibly what made him love hr more, and what had broken through his shell. For if she was capable of feeling that for them he could only imagine the passion she could release on the one she loved, truly loved, and he had know that as well, which was why he had watched her interaction with the others, had listened to what they had said to get an idea of how things were.

Looking at her for conformation, for feedback, for anything was as natural as breathing. Knowing that on this he was not alone, was…. nostalgic, he missed working with her, sharing his ideas with her.

And through all the moments of interaction with the others, all the shared conversations and the moments together, the only ones that really mattered were those with her. And then he had not needed to talk, well unless it was needed, simply basking in her presence was enough to keep him content – at first.

Their trip in the car to Heather's had felt odd, he could find anything to talk about, and jet there was so much he wanted to tell her. She rambled as she usually did in uncomfortable situations, and facing Heather on any day was uncomfortable for Sara. He knew that. Thus he remained content to simply listen to her, the cadence of her voice. He had missed it so much. It brought forward all those memories and the images that haunted him most, the ones he longed for most. His favourite had always been waking up in the morning, when then mingled scents filled the air, when the sheets were warm and he was still lazy from sleep simply indulging in the moment of her being there with him. The calmness that greeted him, the freedom he had had to wrap his arms around her, to simply indulge in he moment and watch as she opened her eyes and gave him a lazy smile before snuggling closer. Sometimes it had been just their instinctive need to be close, touching. Just someone there, someone you loved and you knew loved you in return. He longed for that.

Her short speech on their arrival confused him for he had thought they were talking, only he had yet to say something. The same as he could not understand why she would think they could not work as a unified team, he would always choose to side with her, they were working together.

And when she looked at him in expectation of his response, his reply to her ramble, which had covered so many things at once. The intonation of her voice, its altercations and what it masked, at the same time left him confused. He thought he knew what she was saying, but the more he thought of it the less made sense. So he said he sided with honesty, with what he had felt since seeing her again, "Seeing you again left me a little speechless." He knew it was not what she had hoped to hear, her reaction to his words telling enough. She appeared somewhat shocked, like it was not what she wanted him to say, that she did not want to deal with it, which in itself was more telling. He had often seen it, when she was not willing to delve any deeper into whatever situation they were facing, although he took heart from the fact that she did not tell him it was inappropriate that his timing was wrong. And it could not have been more wrong for what had awaited them. it alone had reminded him of the chasm that had in actual fact opened between them, that the bridge they were standing on were made of little more than paper.

He had an instinctive need to protect Heather, their friendship almost demanded it of him. He also knew that Sara ad the tenacity of a bulldog that had smelt blood. For years he had admired it but also feared it. It had been that very nature that had pulled them together and pushed them apart on occasion. He knew Heather was a sore point to her, but he had no idea how he could tell her, make her understand that she, Sara, was the woman he loved, the woman, the friend, the partner he missed. That there were still so many things he wanted to say to her, share with her.

He watched them as he approached with Heather and felt like an absolute outsider. It was as if a line had been drawn and he was on the wrong side of it. The people who stood beside her acted as a united front. One he regretfully did not belong to. Yet he asked for Heather to be treated with respect, and although she had not like it, Sara had agreed. Yet the look D.B. gave him made him realize that maybe he had asked too much this time, that he had in fact lost any ground he had gained, burnt the flimsy paper bridge that had been erected between Sara and him.

He had watched part of the questioning, saw Heather's resistance to Sara, how she goaded Sara eventually causing Sara and Catharine to leave. For the first time he understood why Sara responded to Heather the way she did. HE knew there was a time that Heather and he were close, but it was not like that which he shared with Sara. And although the woman was his friend it was easy to determine which he could exclude from his life…

Whenever she looked at him, he felt some sense of expectation as if she was waiting for something. Had he known what he would have given it to her. Her passion was still there, just below the surface, and he longed for it to come out, longed to see it again. He had not come prepared, had not expected to be thrown as off kilter as he was, had not expected the uncertainty. He knew that he loved her and that it would not be easy – well personally. Professionally, he was proud of her proud of how she had grown, how she just seemed to fit there, and knew why she had decided to return, to stay, why she could not leave. But as easy as it was for his mind to accept it, his heart objected, he objected. Although he knew he had no right, had let her go, his heart seemed unwilling to relent, his emotions felt ever more raw the more time they spent together. There was this hope that they could salvage something… if only their friendship.

Her offer of help, welcoming. He would welcome any opportunity to spend some time with her, even though he had no idea what the bees had to do with the case. But it gave him the opportunity to be honest with her, to tell her what he felt, although he had to mask it as well. He could feel himself draw close to her, it seemed inevitable at times. Gravitation he would thing and then Hodges appeared, the amount of times that man had ruined a moment for them were far too many and he felt the familiar anger rise towards the man, although his information did provide them with a lead, one that would have them working together again. Well after he trained the bees.

Ecklie had offered to pay for his accommodation, for the duration of his stay, however he had declined. Instead opting to stay with his mother, something he came to regret. For within moment of her discovering that he and Sara were working together again, things became difficult. Although his mother had never pushed the issue or the divorce, she loved Sara, for many of the same reasons he had. She had no desire to see either of them hurt – again – and he had to respect that, and he heeded her warnings, even though they went against everything he wanted. His mother respected Sara for putting her foot down, for letting her know that she would not be walked over. His mother had only later acknowledged to him that because of their differences in ages, that he might have settled for someone who was not his equal in intelligence – because then it would not work. Not that it had in the end. Thus he preferred to be at the lab, to remain as close to her as he could.

And yet they could work together, almost seamlessly. She could challenge him, push him, make him consider all different kind of options. But then working together had never been their problem, letting each other know what they were thinking, feeling, that was where the weakness in their relationship lay. That and the propensity to make important decisions, sometimes life altering decisions, the type that affected their relationship, without consulting one another.

His life suddenly held meaning again, he looked forward to going to the lab, even though she had her guard up and kept conversations mostly work related, and for the first time they worked as equals in the lab, it was humbling.

He no longer felt lonely. The stark contrast to the life he had chosen was not lost to him. He had always thought he worked best on his own, well not on his own, when se was around him, she somehow tuned into his thoughts, even channelled them at times. She did in fact complete him. It sounded pathetic, but for the first time in two years he felt alive, really alive again.

He had thought to ask her what she had done with the remainder of his things, whether she had placed it into storage, but then he would know about it. He wanted to open the channels of communication to her, outside the lab, but could not bring himself to utter the words. Somehow they seemed inappropriate, as if demanding to know what had happened to the stuff that had remained in their home, was being too demanding, pressing the end. And yet he still thought of it as their home, although it no longer was. It was as surreal to him now as receiving the signed papers had been.

If only he could reach out to her touch her, pull her close again, and tell her what was in his heart. But he couldn't, he felt too vulnerable in her presence, and the possibility that she could reject him at that moment, at the height of her career, so he kept quiet congratulated her as best he could. This time he would do the right thing, would support her, would allow her to continue on her chosen path, he could offer his services as a consultant to the lab. That way they could possibly even rebuild their friendship, even though he knew he would always want more of her. He would always remember them, and morn what he had given up.

Her words cut deep as she had bid him a hospitable farewell, telling him she hoped he would find what he was looking for out there. But it was not out there, he knew. What he sought, what he really wanted was something he had once had before; his friend his soul mate, and she was not out there. He knew where to locate her, he just remained uncertain whether or not he would be welcome. Although from her words, it was clear that she had reached some point of closure on their relationship. That is what hurt the most, that she has emotionally moved on from him, from them. That instead of moving on from him, she had remained the driven individual he had gotten to know. D.B. had done wonders with her, she seemed more level, she had matured from the young woman he had brought to the lab, and she deserved it all.

Her words stung him, like no other persons could, the goodbye so formal, so final. Especially when he had hoped they could regain some ground, that they could be friends.

He still had to bid Heather a farewell, and although he knew what he wanted to say, it was putting it into words that was difficult. He had also seen enough of Heather and Sara's hostility towards each other, to realize just what sore point it had been to Sara, although he knew it had been too late for Sara's and his relationship.

He wished he could again speak to Sara as openly. Tell her how he felt, how much his heart was weeping. How her farewell may have set him free – free to never return. But he had never wanted it, only her. But he would not be selfish this time. He would respect her decision, respect what she had worked so hard to achieve… He would leave her be – as much as it hurt.

That was why he had to get out of there, out of Vegas, to a place where he could allow the mask to slip, where he could give into his feelings, come to terms that it was over, accept what he had actually given up, and then move on.

*·.·´¯`·.·* *·.·´¯`·. CSI GSR.·´¯`·.·* *·.·´¯`·.·*


End file.
